apply to be my boyfriend.

i'm so completely biting my friend Jason's style here, but fuck it. it made me laugh, so i made my own.

Disclaimer: this is intended to be a humorous send-up of my pathetically redundant and unsuccessful attempts at dating men. it was not written with any lingering animosity. Ok, it was written with a little animosity.

Regardless.

a few simple questions...

1. Do you live in the 503 area code?
2. Are you Jewish?
3. Are you a Republican?
4. Are you an actor?
5. Are you in a band?
6. In the last five years have you been subject to a traumatic, life-changing event (e.g. cancer, a terrorist attack, a mullet)? Did you seek therapy for it? Did you wait four years before seeking therapy?
7. How do you feel about the word “girlfriend”?
8. Do you believe in “God”?
9. How do you feel about plaid? As an interior decorating pattern? As a fabric one wears?
10. Have you read any of the following: Love in the Time of Cholera, The Bell Jar, or the Eyre Affair? Without my suggesting that you read it?
11. Do you have residual feelings for an ex-girlfriend? a female friend?
12. I say “I’m naked, come over” you say…?
13. Do you own a cell phone? Do you answer your cell phone?
14. Is your name Mike or some variant of (e.g. Michael, Mikey)?
15. If I call you a "cad", would you have to look it up? (hint: I’m not talking about Computer Aided Design)
16. Do you snore?
17. Do you smell nice (where nice = Tommy Hilfiger, Cool Water, Polo Sport or Polo Blue)?
18. Would it bother you if I smelled nice as well (where nice = Tommy Hilfiger, Cool Water, Polo Sport or Polo Blue)?
19. Would you throw me up against a wall and make-out with me? At your parents’ house?
20. Explain the difference between “your” and “you’re". It shouldn’t be difficult.
21. Do you drink beer? Do you drink good beer?
22. Can you dance? If you can’t, do you have enough sense not to?
23. Do you watch ESPN? Do you work for ESPN?
24. Do you have an inordinate amount of body hair? Could you ever be described as “furry”?
25. We book a tropical vacation together (this involves me in a bikini, or less, for the duration of a week. There’s also a private hot-tub involved). Would you cancel our trip for any reason?
26. Do you have a dog? Do you plan on getting one?
27. Are you allergic to cats?
28. Have you ever voted for Bush?
29. Do you know who George Eliot is?
30. Would you ever list The DaVinci Code as one of your favorite books?
31. Define “belligerent” without looking it up.
32. How do you feel about Lindsay Lohan?
33. Would you ever wear white sneakers?
34. Do your pants go all the way down to your shoes (meaning, do they cover your ankles and break nicely over your shoe)?
35. Does the sentence, “There’s many things that I can do,” bother you in any way? If so, why?
36. Have you ever said, “That was fun!” after having sex?
37. If I ask your best friend about you, will he respond something like this: "Don't get me wrong...I love [Your Name Here] like a brother, but he's completely fucked up about women."
38. Are you a Red Sox fan?

i'm sure i'll add to these...